'Take it seriously': After 3 suicides in 3 years, Dover parents, schools speak out
Foster's Daily DemocratJun 23, 2021
Jun. 23—DOVER —
Schaeffer's mother,
"He was making future plans for college and buying a new car," Ames said. "The day he decided to end it all was such a shock to not only me, but all those around him."
Ames said the last few years have been hard on Schaeffer, who often held himself up to high expectations. Ames said he struggled with school work and was bullied verbally and physically his freshman year of high school. While the cheerleading team was his escape from depression, it was also one of the causes of bullying, his mother said. As Schaeffer entered sophomore year and made friends who accepted him, Ames recalled his depression lessened until quarantine, which made his struggles worse, she said.
"Andre always said he was going to change the world," Ames said. "If his death, his story, can save other people from making that choice, then he's still making a difference that will change the world."
At
The deaths of
"Superintendent
Schultz's grandmother,
"Mostly what I miss is our family times because a suicide changes your family dynamics," Fanning said, her voice cracking. "You know, it's still hard for us to sit down for a family dinner because there's an empty chair. He had such a promising life ahead of him, so much to offer the world, and we were all denied that."
Schultz was a percussionist in the
When Schultz started expressing suicidal thoughts on social media, a few of his friends notified the school, Fanning said. The family was advised to go immediately to the emergency room. After he spent a few days in the ER, Fanning said, she was told there were no psychiatric beds available in any facility in
"At this point we were aware that he was struggling significantly," Fanning said. "In retrospect, when I look back on Brian's reluctance to get help, it is because that's what help looked like to him. Help was being locked up somewhere. He was in crisis, and at the time there was no meaningful help."
Schultz spent his final day participating in the things he loved, eating dinner with the family and playing games with his brother.
"He seemed so happy and I went to bed that night feeling relieved, thinking we're getting a little break and maybe he'll feel a little better," Fanning said. "Nobody ever told me that was a sign, that these breaks often happen with people who are suicidal. It did take us a long time to really see how deep Brian's issues were, but I learned in retrospect that you cannot see what they don't want you to see. By the time we found out the extent, it was too late."
Following the loss of their loved one, these grieving families have become mental health advocates, sharing their stories with hopes that it will help others.
"I like to say that Brian died from depression," Fanning said. "That was the cause and suicide was just the means."
The New Hampshire Suicide Prevention annual report found that in 2019, 1 in 5 high school-aged students surveyed reported having seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year, while 1 in 14 reported having made an attempt.
In the 2020-21 school year alone, the
"We've seen an increased need across the board in mental health support and social emotional support, but this year is a difficult one to measure due to the switch from remote to in-person learning (late in the school year)," Boston said. "This is not a problem the school can fix alone, this is a public health emergency. We are lucky here in
In partnership with the
This coming fall, all sophomores are going to learn teen mental health first aid through their health classes. Starting this summer, NAMI NH and the DMHA will hold an extensive mental health first aid training, through NAMI's suicide prevention and education program NAMI Connect, for eight district staff and eight community members. This training will have a domino effect, allowing new trainees to go on to train more educators and support staff. At the end of the training, these new instructors will help develop a community-wide strategic plan for preventing suicide with key community stakeholders.
"We will discuss how the community can respond to mental health, asking what else can we do and what can we do better?" Boston said. "Right now we're in a post-vention phase where we're trying very hard to make sure kids have the resources they need to facilitate grief or recovery, limiting the risk of further suicides. As we shift back to prevention, having this training helps move us forward."
The DMHA has designated six "places," such as businesses and public institutions, within
"This involves learning to have conversations, learning to refer for resources, learning how to identify the signs and symptoms of someone who might be going through a mental health challenge or crisis," Langellotti said.
Fanning and Ames hope community outreach will lead to a paradigm shift in the way suicide is addressed.
"When we change our language, we change our understanding of it," Fanning said.
Boston urges parents to know the signs of depression in teens, which are often mislabeled as effects of puberty.
"Take it seriously when a teen talks about wanting to die, feeling hopeless, not having a purpose or being a burden," Boston said. "Take note when you notice an increased use of alcohol or drugs, sleeping too little or too much, withdrawal, and feelings of isolation."
Executive Director of NAMI NH
NAMI NH works with people dealing with or impacted by mental illness and suicide through support, education and advocacy.
"If you were to stop somebody on the street and ask them what the symptoms of a heart attack or stroke are, they could likely rattle most of them off," Norton said. "If we asked what the signs of suicide or mental health crisis are, I bet most people would be challenged by that."
Norton said that change is difficult when there is a reluctance to talk about mental health in our communities. He says the dialogue needs to change to truly be effective at preventing suicide.
"Why do we use words like successful or failed when referencing if they died by suicide?" Norton questioned. "Even the word stigma has become this nebulous term, as opposed to when we say discrimination or prejudice, it resonates with all of us that something more needs to be done."
Diving even deeper, Norton said the conversations should start at home engaging with teens about their mental health as much as their physical health.
"The key thing here is dialogue," Norton said. "Normalize open dialogue as a way to check in with your kids, asking questions about their mental well-being and tough things happening in their lives."
Langellotti suggests that the dialogue surrounding mental health needs to shift away from the "what's wrong with you" to a "what happened to you" mentality.
"Reframe our language, because no amount of sucking it up or picking yourself up by your bootstraps is going to fix what you're struggling with," Langellotti said. "If you were diagnosed with cancer, people are going to organize meal trains, mow your lawn and help you with your housework. Nobody is going to tell you to suck it up. Part of the problem is that, as a society, we've normalized burying what's uncomfortable, and mental health is one of those things."
Fanning said while much has been done in the years following her son's death, from the work DMHA is doing, to the
"There's not enough information out there for parents on what to do if your child is having suicidal thoughts, beyond just making an appointment with a mental health professional or going to the ER," Fanning said. "I didn't know what specific things to look for, or how else to help him."
Ames wants the community to know that mental health is just as important as general health, urging families to know what resources are available and what to look out for in their teens. She hopes that schools will opt to offer more courses for students on life skills such as healthy coping, CPR and mental health awareness, and that all staff will be thoroughly trained on how to notice and discuss signs of depression to better assist students who are struggling.
"We need to stop saying things like 'It will be OK, just snap out of it' — that's like telling a diabetic to just make more insulin," Ames said. "We need to learn how to notice the signs of depression and listen to those in need. Those (struggling) with mental health need to know that people are there, they are not being judged and they are valid in their feelings."
If you or someone you know is struggling emotionally, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7/365 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). NAMI NH's Information & Resource Line at 1-800-242-6264 is not a crisis line but will connect families with local resources and support in the Granite State. For more information on mental health first aid training, contact
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